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Mother Nature has been ravaging the entire globe. The media has been painting our television screens with inane threats. The news anchors interrupt Jeopardy! to say, “Can an ordinary household appliance lead to your certain death? Definitely. More at 11.” Personally there are few things on earth that I'm am now not afraid of. And I have good reason. Everyday I turn on the television to be greeted by the happy CNN man telling me that the terror alert is now at Dark Sienna-Red and that I'm an idiot for not being under the kitchen table right now.
But I am here to stand up and tell you that these are not the thing we should all be worried about. No, there are far larger threats out there, disasters that no one knows of, things that you never thought you should fear... until now. You can take the aluminum foil mind-reading prevention caps off your heads, because Josh is here to countdown the real things that you should be afraid of.
7) Tom Cruise- Once a harmless tiny man, Tom Cruise has grown up to be quite the scare. However, with what else is going on in the world what he is doing is completely overlooked. First of all, Scientology, I mean, seriously. You don't even have to know what it is all about to know it is bogus. However, Tom Cruise is famous, and teamed with John Travolta and a slew of reincarnated aliens, he is a huge threat to the world. And that is not even talking about his engagement to Katie Holmes. Singlehandedly using his powers to seduce and impregnate this innocent adorable Dawson's Creek sweetheart. Soon the world will be graced with his demon spawn. Curse you, Maverick, curse you!
6) Popped Collars- This is not as much the collars themselves, but the people like me who will stop at nothing to destroy the wearers of these disgusting polos accessories. I know that there are more like me out there who would just like to swipe the starch out of their hands and drown them in it. Seeing that there are thousands upon thousands of people who wear their shirts like this, the massive slaughter of them would not only wipe out fraternities across the globe, but also begin World War III. After much research, (eating a Snickers), I have concluded that this war would send the world into an enormous population bottleneck and lead to the end of modern civilization as we know it.
5) Myspace- Everyone has a Myspace. It is not hard to see the global demise that this will cause in years. Every human between the ages of 12 and 20 is addictive to this form of communication. It has all you need. You can chat, you can send messages, it even improves self esteem because really, the entire site is one huge race to see who can make the most friends. This generation will soon be in control of America, and like any addiction, Myspace will stay with them. The economy will be thrown off and America will be destroyed from the inside out.
4) Russia- I know what you are thinking. “Josh, I'm terrified of Russia, all the Cold War nonsense I hear about in Western Civilization gives me the heebie-jeebies.” To this I laugh. First of all, the Cold War is nothing to worry about. Secondly, I know as well as you do that you pay no attention in Western Civilization. To understand the threat of Russia you must first understand commercialism. We have all seen Yoplait's advertising campaign where 2 or more barefoot middle-aged housewives compare how good their yogurt is to things like buying shoes, warm woolen mittens and all the other garbage they are interested in in made up TV land. I also know that NOBODY likes that commercial. Then why are they on the air? Russia is the answer. Someone must be buying yogurt in high supply. In doing so, Yoplait thinks people like their commercials and run them even more. This process is slowly torturing America. I'm onto you, Russia, you are officially on notice.
3) Frogs- Yes, cute little green frogs. Harmless, right? Absolutely not. We have all been sitting outside at one point in time, and heard the annoying little frog echo that pollutes the night. Now, imagine, if every single frog on earth were to croak at the same time. Seismic quakes of unheard of magnitude, tidal waves, earthquakes, millions would die. Frogs would become the most powerful being on earth, enslaving the remaining humans. Not so adorable now, are they?
2) Zombies- Pretty straight-forward. Some scientist either creates or finds a rare disease, it is released into the public, the dead rise and eat the living. Ha, and you were worried about sharks.
1) Zombie Frogs- A direct result of Threat Number 2. Eventually, zombies would get to France. But French zombies don't work the same as other zombies. It will only be a matter of time before a French zombie goes back to eating frogs, and the frog zombie is born. It now has the power of both frogs and zombies, becoming the single most frightening thing ever.
Natural disasters don't look so bad now, do they? So stop worrying about things you can't control. We must all unite and throw out our old phobias and concentrate on stopping the disasters that are truly eminent in our world.
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